Have you ever asked yourself, "How attached am I?". Likely not. Few of us ever consider that to be a meaningful question let alone one of the most important questions we could ask ourselves. You may be sitting there right now wondering what it even means.
Attachment in the psychological sense of the word refers to the process of attaching or connecting or bonding with a significant other during the first ten years of our lives. How this proceeds is key to how we will develop, form and experience relationships the rest of our lives. This process of attachment will influence so many aspects of our being. Our ability to trust others, our ability to tolerate intimacy, and even the type of person we will choose as a partner in our lives will be affected.
It is said that the most abundant neural development occurs in our brain during the first five years. During this time we are totally dependent upon a caregiver for most if not all of our needs. The nature of that relationship as well as the quality of the context in which that occurs is critical to the outcome of the process of attachment.
Is the caregiver truly there for us and capable of meeting the enormous needs we have at the most vulnerable time of our life? And what is happening around us during that time? Is it safe, nurturing, affirming, loving, accepting and consistent? Or is it loud, violent, unsafe, negative, conflictual, unpredictable, or cold?" It is during this time we are beginning to develop patterns that will live with us the rest of our lives. It is a time when we will be deciding whether people are safe; if it's safe to be open, honest, free to be me. It is a time when I will be deciding whether it's worth it to trust others and be vulnerable. And it is a time when my tolerance for intimacy will be shaped and determined.
The major reason couples struggle with their marriages is often due to one or both partners having attachment issues. There may be a part of us that very much wants to be married, not be alone, have a family, have and enjoy children, yet at the same time fearful of what it takes to secure and maintain those very things.
Many of my future writings will often refer back to this issue of attachment. It is critical for any married couple to understand where they are at with this issue and how it might be affecting their relationships with their partner, kids, friends, and at the workplace.
So where are you at with this issue? How capable or possible was it for your parent(s) to be there for you in the way you needed them to be (not just in the way they could or would or did). Either our parents or adverse circumstances can interfere or limit the healthy process of attachment. This includes illness, death, finances, depression, careers, war, and many other things too numerous to mention.
Most often I hear it said that parents are doing the best they can. While that is often true, it's unfortunately not enough. It would be like having an unskilled carpenter building your house. While he might be well intended, and is doing the best he can, that doesn't take away the reality that down the road, problems might begin to show up in the structure. If that happens, who could blame you for complaining. We all know there are unscrupulous people who are not well intended and will say they are doing the best they can, but in fact are going to cut corners, use the cheapest materials and yet ask for payment. If you questioned them on the quality of their work, they would become indignant.
Unfortunately there is no one there for the child to insure quality care, unless of course someone makes a complaint (Human Services) but then it might be too late, even if something is done and too often nothing is done. And if it's "only" emotional abuse, forget it.
So when it comes to ourselves or our children we need to be unapologetic in recognizing the long term negative effects of poor parenting. And lack of attachment is almost certainly a by-product of poor parenting.
Picture a baby in her/his crib screaming, crying, soiled, wet, hungry and has been there for hours and hours. No one comes to change or feed the baby. Imagine what the child is going through -- What is this teaching the baby about life, trust, dependability, and attachments. There is growing neurological evidence that this experience would profoundly affect certain parts of the brain. YET NOTE: In the other room is her mother, on a couch, eyes closed.........suffering from a stroke. The baby is suffering not because the mother doesn't love or care about her. The baby is suffering because her mother cannot be there. But the key irony is that to the baby, it doesn't matter why the mother is not attending to its needs. All that matters to this baby is that its needs are not being met and the result is the baby is experiencing trauma.
This is obviously a dramatic example, but the problem is that when parents are not there in a more subtle and less dramatic way the results can be as bad if not worse for the baby or child.. An example would be a parent who is just too busy, or too distracted due to financial worries, marital problems, personal emotional issues, depression, too many other kids to feed and attend to, etc. etc. etc. The possibilities are endless. So to know for sure if attachment has taken place, one must look closely and carefully at what is truly going on in a family. Many people will tell me that when they first began therapy they thought their family was the perfect family. It so often doesn't jump out at you. We build in our own denial system about the way parents are or were. Socially, it's not acceptable to be critical of our parents. Personally, it's threatening to be too critical of our own parents. It can be scary or guilting. We are supposed to "honor our parents". Of course they love me, why would I question that or doubt that?
I tell people the reason we are looking at how they were parented or what role their parents may have in the problems that are going on in their life now, is not for the purpose of blaming them. It's only for the purpose of being honest with oneself as to what truly did happen during the most formulative years of their life when they were most vulnerable, so they can then (rather than blaming) begin to ask the following questions: "Well, if mom was preoccupied by a sickly sibling, where did that leave me?" If dad was an alcoholic and mom and he were always fighting, where did that leave me? How did that effect me? What kind of feelings might I have about that?" Or "If mom tended to be critical and not very affectionate, what was that like for me?" What might that have taught me about my own value or worth or how I feel about women? If Dad was verbally critical much of the time, how might that have left me filled with shame or fear or hurt or the need to prove myself at every turn or prove my worth by succeeding?
Then I can begin to make the connections between all of that and the reasons why I might not be effective in an intimate relationship.
My next Blog will focus on the many aspects of shame.